If a child is struggling to breathe, is floppy or will not wake, or their skin, lips or tongue look blue or grey: call 999 now. Colour changes are harder to see on brown and black skin, so check the palms, soles, lips and tongue. If you are worried but it is not an emergency, call NHS 111. In Northern Ireland use your GP out-of-hours service.

MarionSleep help for families

Your mental health counts too

Both parents. Including the barrier that stops fathers asking.

The short version

  • A dad's or a partner's distress counts, and it is treatable. You do not have to have given birth for it to be real.
  • The NHS says up to 1 in 5 women and 1 in 10 men develop problems like depression or anxiety around birth.
  • In men it often shows as irritability, anger, more drinking, or escaping into work, sport or hours online, alongside withdrawing and self-blame.
  • Feeling low or irritable for a few days is the baby blues, usually gone within two weeks. Postnatal depression lasts longer.
  • Nobody is going to ask you. There is no routine NHS screening of fathers or partners, so you have to raise it yourself.

The rest of this page explains where this comes from. You do not have to read it tonight.

About 3 minutes to read

Your mental health counts too

The NHS states that "up to 1 in 5 women and 1 in 10 men develop mental health problems such as depression or anxiety during pregnancy, or in the first year after childbirth", and says plainly that fathers and partners can also have depression after having a baby. A review of 43 studies covering 28,004 participants (Paulson and Bazemore, 2010) found a pooled prevalence of paternal depression around birth of 10.4 per cent, with rates appearing highest between three and six months. When one parent is struggling, the other is meaningfully more likely to be.

Feeling low, anxious or irritable for a few days after the birth is very common: the NHS calls this the baby blues and says it usually goes within two weeks. Postnatal depression can start in pregnancy and any time up to twelve months afterwards, and lasts longer.

How it often looks in men

Men are less likely to report the classic symptoms and may express it differently (Schöch, 2024). What shows up instead is often irritability and anger, aggression, more drinking or drug use, and escapist activity including excessive work, sport, gambling or hours online, alongside feeling overwhelmed, withdrawing and self-blame. If your partner has become short-tempered and permanently at work, ask rather than resent. If it describes you, it counts.

Nobody is going to ask you

There is no routine NHS screening of fathers' or partners' mental health in the UK. The main screening tool used in maternity care, the EPDS, was designed and validated for mothers. The one exception is that partners of women receiving specialist perinatal mental health care are offered a mental health check. In UK research (Darwin, 2017) none of the fathers interviewed had ever been asked about their own mental health.

So the appointment where somebody notices is not coming: you have to raise it, which is what those men found hardest. They described feeling "a bit more like a spare part", questioned their entitlement to support, and named the "man up, get on with it thing". A dad's or a partner's distress counts, and it is treatable. This is a conversation about being a parent under load, not about mental illness: that framing comes from the research itself, which concluded resources for men should be built around fatherhood rather than mental health labels.

"Am I even entitled to feel this?"

That question is the common thread across all non-birthing parents. UK research with same-sex and non-birthing parents (Howat, 2023) found the same themes: failure in the role, powerlessness, and doubt about the legitimacy of their own distress, which directly stopped them seeking help. Services built around the birthing parent, heteronormative forms and stigma all add to it. You do not have to have given birth for the exhaustion, fear and low mood to be real.

The Maternal Mental Health Alliance is honest that there is a lack of research on trans and non-binary parents' experiences: a gap in the evidence, not a sign that you are not included.

Where this comes from

  • NHS, Best Start in Life: your mental health, the "1 in 5 women and 1 in 10 men" figure and the line about exhaustion being completely normal.
  • NHS, postnatal depression, baby blues versus postnatal depression, and that fathers and partners can also have depression after having a baby.
  • Richter et al. 2019, SLEEP 42(4):zsz015, the 62-minute and 13-minute figures, the six-year recovery finding, and that dual versus single parenting showed no meaningful association with sleep recovery.
  • Astbury et al. 2025, maternal mood correlating with the mother's own sleep rather than with infant sleep.
  • Kracht et al. 2024, parents averaging under seven hours a night and only 40 per cent meeting the guideline at two months. Javaheripour 2019, the cognitive effects of sleep loss.
  • Paulson & Bazemore 2010, JAMA 303(19):1961-9, pooled paternal prevalence of 10.4 per cent and the correlation between parents. Schöch et al. 2024, how depression presents differently in men.
  • Darwin et al. 2017 (UK BaBY cohort), fathers not being asked about their own mental health, the "spare part" and "man up" quotations, and the recommendation to frame resources around fatherhood.
  • Howat, Masterson & Darwin 2023, Midwifery 120:103650, non-birthing and same-sex parents and the legitimacy of their distress. Maternal Mental Health Alliance, the research gap for trans and non-binary parents.
  • Lawrence et al. 2017, British Journal of General Practice 67(661), intrusive thoughts in very nearly half of parents of infants, and the line that experiencing them makes a parent no more likely to harm their infant intentionally.
  • Tommy's, perinatal OCD and intrusive thoughts, "your midwife or doctor will not judge you", and OCD affecting about 1 in 50 mothers in pregnancy. Maternal OCD, no reported case of a mother acting on obsessional intrusive thoughts.
  • NHS England, perinatal mental health, mental health checks for partners of those accessing specialist services, the 42 Maternal Mental Health Services, and support extended to 24 months.
  • The Lullaby Trust, never falling asleep on a sofa or armchair, the survey of over 3,400 parents, preparing in advance, staying-awake tips and what helpers can do. UNICEF UK Baby Friendly, "much safer in a bed than on a sofa or chair".
  • Highway Code Rule 91, driving when tired, the midnight to 6am window and the 15-minute break. The caffeine and nap advice is no longer in the rule.
  • HSE, fatigue, underestimation of risk, 20 per cent of accidents on major roads, and the legal duty resting on employers. gov.uk guidance on night working hours, for the 8-hour average limit, the free health assessment and suitable alternative work.
  • RoSPA, hot drinks scalding up to 15 minutes after they are made, never leaving a baby alone in the bath, drowning being silent, and bath seats not being safety devices.
  • ONS 2025 family statistics, 3.2 million lone-parent families and 15.4 per cent lone fathers; gov.uk analysis of emotional distress among lone parents. Gingerbread, confirming the helpline closed on 1 April 2025. Home-Start UK (charity 1108837, SC039172), volunteers, weekly visits and self-referral.
  • Samaritans, 116 123, free from any phone including pay-as-you-go with no credit. Language on this page follows the Samaritans media guidelines. Cry-sis, 0800 448 0737, 9am to 10pm daily.
  • Andy's Man Club (1179647, SC051485), PANDAS Foundation (1149485, SC051814) and Action on Postpartum Psychosis (1139925), checked against the charity registers. NHS guidance on talking therapies self-referral and on urgent mental health help. NHS 24, 111 Wales, and nidirect, GP out-of-hours service.

Last checked 1 August 2026. This page is general information, not medical advice. If you are worried about your child, speak to your health visitor or GP.